Sunday, February 12, 2012

One Year

Last week marked one year since I boarded a plane and left behind yet another group of children who had captured my heart forever. I’ve been procrastinating writing this post because the truth is, this past year has gone nothing like I thought or hoped that it would. I came home from Ukraine because I believed that God was calling me to settle down and establish myself so that I can begin bringing home children of my own. I’m not naïve enough to think that all of this would happen overnight but I was hopeful that by this time, one year later, I would have a stable job, a place of my own and maybe even be in the beginning stages of an adoption. Instead I find myself working in an unpredictable, one year contract position, still living at home and in many ways feeling even further away from adopting than I did a year ago.

This past year has been hard. I have struggled to come to terms with the suffering that I have seen with my own eyes. I have struggled as I fought and prayed for children I love so deeply, only to see my hopes and dreams for them come crashing down. I have struggled to find purpose in this quiet season of waiting. I have struggled with the aching emptiness of my heart and arms as I know that my child(ren) are out there somewhere, longing for their mama and I just can’t get to them. I have struggled to trust and have faith that God will do what He said He was going to do even when His ways don’t make any sense to me.

If I had to choose one theme verse for this year, it would be from John chapter 6. Jesus had just finished teaching that whoever eats His flesh and drinks His blood would have eternal life. The people were confused, they were offended, they did not understand what Jesus saying! The bible says,

“On hearing it, many of his disciples said, ‘This is a hard teaching. Who can accept it?’…
From this time many of his disciples turned back and no longer followed him.”

Jesus turned to the Twelve Disciples and asked them, “You do not want to leave too, do you?” Then Peter responded:

“Lord, to whom shall we go? You have the words of eternal life. We have come to believe and to know that you are the Holy One of God.”

Over the past year I have had many questions and very few answers. I have felt confused, yes, even angry when I simply cannot understand what God is doing. But in the end, my response is the same as Peter’s: “Lord, where else can I go? You have proven Yourself to me time and time again. Even when I’m confused and don’t understand what You’re doing, I believe and know that You are the One and Only God.”

I want to leave you with this song that pretty much sums it all up.
Yes, the past year has been filled with questions but in the end, I still do and always will believe in Him…

Questions by Steven Curtis Chapman

Who are You God
For You are turning out to be
So much different than I imagined

And where are you God
Cuz I am finding life to be
So much harder than I had planned

Know that I am afraid
To ask these questions
But You know they are there

And if you know my heart
The way that I believe you do
You know that I believe in You
Still I have these questions

Like How could you God
How could You be so good and strong
And make a world that can be so painful

And where were you God
I know you had to be right there
I know you never turn your head

You know that I’m confused
By all this mystery
You know I get afraid

But if you know my heart
As completely as I trust you do
Oh you know that I trust in you

Is it true that for every tear I cry
You cry a thousand more
Cuz you weep for those that weep

And are you, just holding yourself back
From crushing all the pain and evil in this world
For reasons we just can’t understand for now
But isn’t there a day of redemption coming

Redemption is coming
Quickly Lord, come quickly
Lord, come quickly

So who am I God
That you would raise me from the dust
To breathe your life and your love in me
You know that I believe


Julia said...

I've said it before and I will say it again... God WILL give you the desires of your heart because the desires of your heart are HIS DESIRES. It may not look in the end like you thought it would look like in the beginning and it may take way longer than you thought and lead you down roads you never thought you would travel and never even wanted to travel. But in the end... you are going to look back, my dear passionate and loving friend, and LAUGH OUT LOUD at the Goodness of the Lord in the Land of the Living!! You will. Trust me.

Sabrina said...

Andrea, thank you for sharing your beautiful, honest heart. It is so hard, but the Lord teaches us so much in the waiting. He never wastes anything.