Monday, October 10, 2011
Today you turned four-years-old. Oh how I wish I could have been there to cover you with birthday hugs and kisses.
I can’t believe it’s been eight months since I had to say goodbye. I remember it like it was yesterday…
I had put it off for as long as I could, just hours before I had to board the train. When the time finally came and I couldn’t wait any longer, I held back tears as I held your hand and walked you back up those stairs one last time. When we reached the top I picked you up and squeezed you tight as I covered your face with kisses. When I put you back down my heart was breaking but I couldn’t help but smile at what happened next… The worker came to get you and you happily grabbed hold of her hand, excited to go eat your dinner. Just before you disappeared around the corner however, you turned around and looked back at me with a big smile on your face. You said, “Paka!” and waved your little hand and then, in a moment that couldn’t have been any better if it was scripted, you blew me one last kiss…
Sweet, precious boy, I have missed you every day since then. I often find myself daydreaming of what life would be like if you were here with me. I envision playing at the park, snuggling on the couch and tucking you into bed at night. Oh how I wish those dreams could become a reality. I pray often that God would grant you a family of your own and secretly ask if maybe that family could be me.
The problem is, I am a long way away from meeting the qualifications your country has in place and I love you too much to make you wait one day longer than you have to. I would give anything to make you mine but the greatest gift of love that I can give to you is my prayers that God would pave the way for another family to get to you long before I ever could.
I have been thinking about you all day today, my little birthday boy, missing you with an ache and a longing I haven’t felt in months.
I have also spent the day releasing you and your future into God’s hands, laying down my dreams of becoming your Mama and praying for the family that God will give you.
Happy Birthday sweet, beautiful boy.
On this day of Thanksgiving, I am thanking God for the blessing of having known you
and for the everlastingly imprint that you have left on my heart.
I pray that next year you will be celebrating with a family of your very own.
Loving you always…