Wednesday, June 29, 2011

Waves of helplessness

That’s the best term I can think of to describe how I’ve been feeling lately. As I mentioned before, there have recently been several families adopting children from the orphanages that I volunteered in. I was so excited for these families to finally meet their children and hold them in their arms but I was not expecting how hard it would be for me to experience life over there from their perspective. I realize now, more than ever, just how much strength God gave me to make it through the days while I was over there. I saw heartbreaking things and while yes, they did break my heart, God knew that I would have to have a way to compartmentalize the things I was seeing in order to keep going for six months. While my heart always ached for the injustices that the kids faced, I learned to focus on what I could do, on making the most of every opportunity and loving the kids as best as I could rather than focusing on the heart wrenching circumstances that I could not change. Over the past month or so however, I have been hearing the stories of adoptive families who were walking the same streets I walked and all the memories came rushing back. This time however, the need to compartmentalize and stay strong was gone and I found myself in a place of fresh brokenness.

It’s not that any of their stories surprised me. Because of the unique opportunity I had to spend several months volunteering inside the walls of the orphanage, I have seen all of what they saw and worse only this time I was not there and I was helpless to do anything for my kids. I was relieved to hear that all my babies are still there, that none of them have been transferred or passed away. Nevertheless, the reports I read tore my heart to pieces…
“So-and-so spends most of his time in the playpen…”

“So-and-so looks like he has regressed…”

“So-and-so does not get much love… I haven’t seen anyone really care about him”

Again, it’s nothing I didn’t already know. It’s pretty much what I expected to hear but still, reading it right there in black and white and not being able to scoop my babies up in my arms and give them the love they deserve and so desperately need… it just about kills me.

Meanwhile every Friday, usually with tears streaming down my face, I pour my heart out in attempt to put into words just how precious these children are. I pray that their stories will spread far and wide until the right family takes one look at their sweet face and knows that he/she belongs to them. Praying, advocating, it’s all that I can do and sometimes I just feel so helpless.

Waves of helplessness yet, as always, they are interspersed with bursts of hope. I am thankful for all the kids that are being adopted from my orphanages and for the 30-40 more families who are currently in their country about to bring home even more special needs kiddos. I will never stop believing that one day, it will be their turn. In the meantime, I am thankful for even just a glimpse at their sweet faces…

Please Jesus, send families soon!






My favourite groupa :)

These pictures are of “my princesses” at the special needs orphanage

Sweet Yulia

Fortunately, like any good mama, I know my kids from behind...
clockwise from the one girl who is facing the camera:
Violietta, Natasha, Nastia, Katya, Michelle and Katya

As an extra special bonus, my good friend Jenny was recently in Uganda and made a trip to Amani Baby Cottage to visit my Matty. Her camera wasn’t working and she was only able to get one not-so-great picture but it means the world to me that she was able to love on him on my behalf and I’ll take any picture I can get :)


Joanna said...

NO WAY!!!!! You loved Matthew, and you NAMED Matthew?????????

*it's a small world after all it's a small, small world...*

Matthew is one of my favorite little guys!!!! I spent 3 months with him last fall teaching him preschool!!!! He was my boy. I can't believe you named him!!! And he was SO tiny and small as a baby!! What happened to him?? Haha. How weird that we both loved the same boy, only a few years apart? very weird!

OK, moving on...

Have any of the adopting families been able to spot Andrey (Aiden)? He hasn't been transfered yet has he?

Pam said...

Wow! "Ryan" on RR recently caught my eye. When I read your post I thought "Denis" looked like he might be "Ryan" so I read your "Find my Family" post about him. Thanks so much for advocating for him. He is so precious, but he looks so sad, and painfully thin. I hope someone comes for him soon! He needs to experience what it is to be loved and cherished every day! He also needs a doctor. I hope he doesn't have to wait much longer! Thanks for showing him love while you were there!